The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity
#5. Super-Speed Mice
«Biologists at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have taken ordinary field mice and, rather than bopping them over the head, opted to genetically modify them by limiting the biochemical process which allows for explosive bursts of energy. The end result of this limitation is that endurance energy becomes massively increased, thus enabling them to "run up to four miles at a speed of 20 meters a minute for five hours or more without stopping." (...) The mice also live longer, eat more, mate more often (and for three times as long) and when provoked, inform you in thick Russian accents that they "must break you."»
#4. Jellyfish-Monkeys
« (...) Scientists modified a harmless virus with jellyfish genes and introduced it into the embryos of Rhesus monkeys, which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey. (...)
The researchers hoped to make the monkey glow. Seriously, that's it. The researchers justify continuation of these experiments with a lot of fancy talk about tracking the genetic markers and learning how to create stable, transgenic monkeys for future experiments. But, in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.»
#2. Zombie-Pigs
« (...) Charlotte's Web wasn't lying. Pigs are actually highly sensitive animals, which is a bad match for their primary occupation on farms and factories: living in a cage and being turned into hot dogs. And, since pigs can't write angsty poetry on the back of Trapper Keepers and listen to Belle and Sebastian, the stress of confinement often results in a slew of bizarre neurological conditions, such as obsessive tail chewing, haunch-rubbing and bar-biting, all of which sound vaguely homoerotic to our adolescent minds.
The primary usage of these modified, stress-free pigs that live longer lives with fewer disorders is to allow the scientists to observe more deeply the effects of further experimentation. In other words, it makes them easier to treat horribly. For the consumer, the added bonus is a relief of all that meat eaters guilt, since the new animals presumably give knowing winks and cheerful thumbs up signs as they are lead off to slaughter.»
(Podem ler o resto deste equilibrado e racional exemplo de divulgação científica aqui. Se a Nature fosse escrita neste registo, eu já tinha uma subscrição vitalícia.)
#5. Super-Speed Mice
«Biologists at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have taken ordinary field mice and, rather than bopping them over the head, opted to genetically modify them by limiting the biochemical process which allows for explosive bursts of energy. The end result of this limitation is that endurance energy becomes massively increased, thus enabling them to "run up to four miles at a speed of 20 meters a minute for five hours or more without stopping." (...) The mice also live longer, eat more, mate more often (and for three times as long) and when provoked, inform you in thick Russian accents that they "must break you."»
#4. Jellyfish-Monkeys
« (...) Scientists modified a harmless virus with jellyfish genes and introduced it into the embryos of Rhesus monkeys, which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey. (...)
The researchers hoped to make the monkey glow. Seriously, that's it. The researchers justify continuation of these experiments with a lot of fancy talk about tracking the genetic markers and learning how to create stable, transgenic monkeys for future experiments. But, in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.»
#2. Zombie-Pigs
« (...) Charlotte's Web wasn't lying. Pigs are actually highly sensitive animals, which is a bad match for their primary occupation on farms and factories: living in a cage and being turned into hot dogs. And, since pigs can't write angsty poetry on the back of Trapper Keepers and listen to Belle and Sebastian, the stress of confinement often results in a slew of bizarre neurological conditions, such as obsessive tail chewing, haunch-rubbing and bar-biting, all of which sound vaguely homoerotic to our adolescent minds.
The primary usage of these modified, stress-free pigs that live longer lives with fewer disorders is to allow the scientists to observe more deeply the effects of further experimentation. In other words, it makes them easier to treat horribly. For the consumer, the added bonus is a relief of all that meat eaters guilt, since the new animals presumably give knowing winks and cheerful thumbs up signs as they are lead off to slaughter.»
(Podem ler o resto deste equilibrado e racional exemplo de divulgação científica aqui. Se a Nature fosse escrita neste registo, eu já tinha uma subscrição vitalícia.)
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